FIRST CLASS FOOLS

We Like To Skateboard, And Start Trouble

"Godless and Sober" by Robbie Blood

FCF FTW9 Comments
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The last 3 and a half years hanve been a journey…. the first few weeks of my sobriety  I was asking myself why… why am I doing this… Is this girl worth it… even then I was pointing the finger      living by excuses      never to blame…. it couldn't be that I was powerless… i was always in control wanting control clichés… and jokes aside i honestly thought i was a God  I'minvincible  it was the only reason why i was alive and not in jail… the acts of violence I committed towards my fellow man should have me in jail.. my life was violence… the damage I put my body through…how am I still here…what the fuck is life…


a guy like me    no responsibility   careless….fuck you and your society… you dont know pain..youdont know what the real world is…you didnt watch your father beat your mother… you didnt get only socks for christmas…nor did you have to walk to the grocery store with food stamps begging the cashier to take it for a sandwich…the fuck do you know…punk rock became my life   if I wasn't hanging in an alley or street corner drunk…fighting…yea i remember standing in the alley next to the station…you didnt watch your mother get remarried to another asshole who beat her…cupcakes   sunshine   fuck you…then a shit life turned into the fucking dumpster…I became my father…a drunk asshole with friends who didnt want to deal with  it...abusive piece of shit…alone like I came into this world…

 

there was only one option…get clean… get clean   get sober…I called the only person I  knew who could help…i was pushed to do it…even if I didn’t want to commit to it…as I sat in my first meeting     people totally different from me… how can they understand pain…how do they know…go have another bud light you pussies…why am I here…then they spoke…they told my story…    how the fuck the only question running through my mind…in different words    different times    they lived my life….fuck….I'm an addict and I didn't even know it

going to meetings was rough…did it for a year a step a month…still I struggled…god came into the picture far too often for my liking…its ok they said   it’s a god of your understanding….i was god…i was unstoppable…how can I understand a god when i put myself in this situation to begin with…all it means is im putting faith in a new monster…i can iwont put myself or others in that position again…

i left the meetings for good…soon the old demons started to haunt me…depression…anxiety…these fucking assholes are back…back and forth back and forth back and forth this brain would not stop…images of scenarios that never took place…ruining the only good i had…im a coward…im not good enough…behind my fake smile was all the pain that no one could see… I didn't want to see anyone…happy was only a word…but i stayed sober… I couldn't turn my back, the only thing I've ever committed to…friends would reach out…the only fucking thing that helped was shutting the fuck up and listening…maybe I have a purpose maybe its a new passion… is this what normal feels like…

 

the pain never ends    its always there    always will be there…ITS OK…its ok to feel this…life fucking sucks   but you can fuck life right back…talk to your friends…talk to your family…dont be silent…dont live in your head…we are here I am here….lets share our stories, live to fight another day….

…. I love you