A few years back I was surrounded by people who had very little positivity in them. Unmotivated, unhappy, gossiping about others to take light off their own shortcomings. It was a living hell, and I didn't even realize it. Neck deep in depression and no one to express my feelings to, I slowly slid deeper and deeper. Thoughts of suicide became a normalcy before falling asleep, and drinking became excessive.
The Sunday hangover went from minor headaches, to being curled up in my bathtub puking while hot water rained from the shower. Things needed to change, and change is never easy. Coming off a roller coaster of shitty experiences that I would never wish on anyone. I had a clean slate, a chance to grow. I started seeing someone new and it was great, she was beautiful and had an optimistic view on the world that reminded me of myself. It reminded me of when I was happy.
Maybe it was a weird upbringing of never really expressing feelings in my household, maybe it was the shitty relationships I constantly involved myself in. But I couldn't for the life of me completely open up, even though I really wanted to. I was scared she would think I'm a bad person, scared it would push her away. I remember getting into an argument and being told "I don't know what kind of fucked up relationships you've had that left you so damaged, but I've been nothing but good to you."
That cut straight to the bone, because it was true. I felt like I couldn't live up to her expectations, I didn't want to sacrifice shit, because I had nothing to give. I also realized a lot of new people I was around, had the same tendencies to drink and gossip about the problems of their so called "friends." I felt bad for them, felt bad for myself, because I know I'm no fucking saint.
So in true shithead fashion, I cut her off completely and started making a string of bad decisions. I've fought so hard to try and always do the right thing, just so others can remind me of my faults. "What's the point of trying to get better, when everyone is trying to being each other down?" I thought.
I'm lucky as fuck to have any friend, really, and even luckier to have quite a few awesome individuals show me that there is something to look forward to, there is something to fight for, and there is hope. I feel bad, because I constantly forget to call or text them to let them know I'm happy they're in my life.
I wish I could apologize to you for being so shitty, for not opening up when I wanted to, and for breaking your heart. But I don't know where I would even begin if I had to say it in person. Ive always opted out of an uncomfortable situation since I was young, because it usually leaves someone hurt as I learned very early in life.
You probably won't read this, but you helped me through a rough time. Thanks so much for being such an awesome person, and I'm sorry if I let you down. Wherever you are, I hope you're happy. As far as I am concerned, I finally found some sense of purpose. Even if it is through a dumbass website.