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Drunk In Philippines by Tom Tansey

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So I’m going to skip some of the bullshit, because I can, it’s my world. I’m sure a lot of you in your time have a met at least one vet that always talks about boot camp or basic training and how it was. They always emphasize on that because they've never done anything else.

June 2010 I’m with the Machine Gun section, Weapons company Battalion Landing Team 2nd Battalion 7th Marines, 1st Marine Division. Currently onboard the USS Essex floating around the south east pacific ocean. Being the stepchildren of the ship they kept us in the bottom berthing with nothing to do other than jerk off and play spades. We finally got to our first stop which was Subic Bay, Philippines. Which is a shit hole. I’ve been off the ship for 2 minutes and a girl has already came up to asking if I like boom boom? I said sure, I like boom boom.

So the way this place works is really strange. Its a little village next to the pier where they park the ships. They basically have an economy strictly based off money from the sailors and marines. So theres a lot of hustling, selling of replica ray bans, and A LOT of hookers. So theres a little strip with a bunch of bars and hotels that rent rooms by the hour. So you have to get a hotel and pay for the girl. You can use US money or pesos. You're actually better off with pesos. Its hard to explain.

Well, I had no pesos, but my buddy did so he lent me like 5000 pesos which isn't shit in US currency. This chick told me she wanted 2000, so I was good. We go in the room, and get down. After were done she goes okay 4000 pesos. Which was fucked up because I had already paid for the room and a couple drinks so I didn't have enough. I’m starting to freak out because I’m in a different country with their own cops and I had just gotten a hooker. I told her “here this is all I have” and she says if I don't give her more she's going to tell the cops, and she's only 16.

I immediately start getting images of being a phillipino jail. So I start running down the hallways of the hotel banging on doors asking my buddies for more pesos. I finally come back with some more, give them her and she leaves. I go to the bar and was like holy shit, not a good start to this trip. Turns out later that was a big scam that a lot of women do, and I wasn't the only one. That was day 1, we got there later in the afternoon so not a lot of time for craziness that night.

Day 2. Wake up, go to the currency exchange and immediately pull out like 10,000 pesos. So our whole group leaves the ship, first stop liquor store. They had beer called Red Horse which had unregulated alcohol amounts. So sometimes all you needed was one 6 pack, sometimes you needed three. Like I said, this country is fucked up. We find this place called the the crystal ballroom. Its basically a room full of girls and a bar. You sit down, they bring you a beer, and you kinda just choose what girl you want. Once you make your choice the mama sahn comes over, you pay her and she gives you a room. So my whole group of friends and I stay there for a couple hours.

While we were there, my buddy Tony randomly comes out of this room and is like “Check it out my new tattoo!” This crazy son of a bitch got a random ass tattoo in the back of a brothel by some dude with a face tattoo and a cat with only 3 legs. Who knows where that needle has been.

Okay, so theres a little more left about the phillipines before I blacked out and had to get back on the ship. As the day goes on, we go from bar to bar. Hotel to hotel. You can only drink and fuck so much before your broke and blacked out. So we find this bar, and I could tell from the smell, it was going to be bad. I didn't know it was going to be the reason I’m going to hell. So this place is just like the first place I talked about but between the room trips the girls would do shows on this stage that the bar wrapped around. So theres about 100 drunk Marines and Sailors in this place, so its pretty loud then all of a sudden the music stops and the light changes.

Out walks this girl which were going to say was 18 just because I don't know if there is a statute of limitations on the things taking place there. So the whole place is watching this girl, and this music comes on, and she does a couple dance moves. Then shit got real. She pulls out a banana. She then inserts the banana into her vagina and proceeds to chop it into little slices. And starts handing them out and bunch of the guys started eating them.

So right now I'm loving this, the place is going fucking wild. Like a Vegas club on steroids. Then the music cuts off again, everyone gets quiet again. She pulls out like 5 darts. Now I’m fucking nervous. She starts blowing up balloons and putting them on guy’s heads. This chick had better accuracy than our scout snipers. Place is crazy again. She leaves the stage and another chick gets up there. I knew something was wrong because she was like scanning all the guys at the bar and we she sees me she immediately stops.

Now I’m pretty nervous. I can see my buddy giving her a thumbs up and nodding then he turns to me and starts laughing. Now I’m getting dragged on stage and tied to the dance pole with my own belt. She then takes off my shirt and at this point I want to start crying. The bar is going fucking crazy. She goes over to the bar and pulls out a whip. She starts whipping the shit out of me. Now I'm trying to rip the pole out of the ground and the louder the crowd got, the lashes got harder. She finally saw that I was about to like pass out or throw up. She takes the belt off I get up, put my now bloody shirt on, I walk over to my friend and punch him in the face.

We start fighting and they have these guys called shore patrol, basically bouncers drag us outside. The thing about the guys in your platoon like you can beat the shit out of each other then 2 minutes later be best friends again, so thats basically what happened. It was time to start heading back to the ship, I was still a little pissed so I told my buddy that he owes me. Theres a Philipino specialty, I forgot what it was called, but its basically a unhatched dead baby bird in an egg. So these pricks, put up little carts full of these things to watch the drunk marines and sailors eat these things and throw up and they start taking pictures and laughing. I was able to convince my buddy, who basically got my ass kicked by a phillipino hooker, to eat one of these things. They take the top of the egg off and rip the beak off. Im already feeling the red horse coming up. He takes the egg, bites the head off, looks at me and just houses the rest. It was probably the scariest face I have ever seen. I was just glad this dude was on our side. I knew he wouldn't keep it down because this guy used to throw up every time we drank, so of course he pukes and we stumble our way back on to the Essex.

The next morning when I woke up we were back floating in the middle of the ocean and the floor was covered in drunk Marines. I closed my little curtain back on my rack, thanked god for being alive and rubbed one out.

That, ladies and gentlemen, was my experience in the Philippines. I have a lot of stories from South East Asia, but I thought those were the best. Like I said before I’m gonna cut some of the bullshit. The next stories won't be as funny. They’ll be from a place called Sangin, Afghanistan, which during the time I was there considered the most dangerous place on the planet.